"Almost Christmas" an update

In regards to my last post in December of 2012

Wow, reading that last post is like going back in time and seeing your dumb self make horrible choices while you stand by, unable to speak. It has been a long time since that last post and I wish I could slap myself in the face based on what I posted about those boys.

I got back together with my first boyfriend that I bitched and moaned about for months.....and that rekindled relationship lasted about...7 months. There were ups and downs but now I have a cat and the police know where my apartment is so should I really have text him all those months ago???  I learned nothing.

As for the guy that passed out drunk before midnight last new years eve, my friend had to bust into his apartment with the cops to take him to rehab for heroin. I hear he's out now so hope things are well with him and all. I don't think he was on heroin when we were together....

So heroin addict aside, my dating life has kind of sucked to be honest. I don't look back on it fondly and the idea of getting back into it seems self destructive. I don't want to be stuck with a guy for another few months or years unless he's worth it. No one seems to be worth it these days though.

 #girlsruleboysdrool

So "single, with two pets and no prospects" is what I will be for 2014. Maybe I should change my twitter bio.

I got a cat.

I have two animals now and that makes me question my life decisions on a daily basis.

I rearranged my apartment. Slightly. The winds of change.

My ex called me at 2am last night and I didn't answer. Not because I didn't wake up, but because I couldn't think of one thing I wanted to talk to him about at 2am in the fucking morning. Perhaps lunch plans???

When did I just stop going to the gym? When did I just give up on life?

I have no food at my apartment. Just how I like it.

How much would it cost to have someone come into your studio apartment and do your laundry once every two weeks or so? Do they also dump trash?

I used to want to have two children. Then recently I bumped it up to three. The more lonely I get, the more kids I fill my imaginary future house with. I think the third kid replaced my spouse.

I need to get a new hobby to make me more interesting for the fellas. Watching TV all day is NOT working.

Perks of 2013: I graduated from College and am one step closer to curing cancer.

p.s. I got a cat.

Photobooth Vanity

Another late night blog. I watched an entire season of the Sopranos today. But I did go to the gym so I'm going to count that as being productive. Starting my health kick tomorrow. I really wanna lose 3 pounds. 

Almost Christmas

"I just want to spend the night making it with some fatty in an elf suite"

So I have to open this post with something positive to make people think I'm not crazy. I tackled a couple of feats this year by making tamales and rice which I never thought I would be able to do. My mother's cooking will live on. Renewed my lease till 2014. Norman, guess I won't be going anywhere anytime soon. Going to Hawaii in 2 months so let's start counting down the days...now. It's almost 4am and I am up writing a post after not writing in so long because I knew I was just going to bitch about the mess I have put myself into and continue to put myself into. Maybe going to a lake house to make someone happy isn't the worst thing in the world. Just like going to someone's grandmother's house and acting like everything is fine makes someone happy when you are dying inside counting down the days till you wreck this person's world. I should now know that being honest is the best policy. Holding something back when you knew the whole time makes it sting a little more. Even if I thought it was because I was being "nice."

I question my sanity at times. I look back on my string of men and there are things I really need to ask myself. Perhaps I should get counseling but counseling for relationship issues when I am not in a relationship per say is a bit presumptuous. So I do this bad thing where I snoop through people's things. Dr. Laura would say it's a sign of low self esteem or lack of trust in a relationship. Check. Check. Well of course I usually find stuff. If it's a person worth snooping I almost always find stuff. Now I'm not saying I snoop through my friends' things or anything. Just boys. So that brings me to tonight. I hear my ex boyfriend is single now. Lawdy friggin dah I should say...But I don't think that. I should. Why don't I? Perhaps it's because I have yet to find myself in another relationship where I feel how I felt with him. I keep thinking I'm over it. At first I thought I just wanted the relationship and that's what I was missing. Well I guess I have that now. Granted it's not perfect in the slightest but it's someone to talk to and watch tv with while they snore next to me. But I'm not happy and I feel like I did after being in a two year emotionally abusive relationship. This guy hasn't done anything to me but here I am, rock bottom and looking for a way out. I'm such a different person from when I was with him. I wonder if he's changed.

Which brings me to tonight. Why did they break up? After watching Sherlock Holmes till 2am, I did some investigating of my own. I know I'm about to sound like the ultimate pathetic ex girlfriend creep here, but I'm hoping no one reads this and I can just have some external venting here. So I found out why they broke up based on my investigative skills and I have come to the conclusion that it was his insane jealousy due to severe insecurities he is harboring. So I guess he hasn't changed in that aspect. Also he's still smoking weed and rather proud of it like a loser. So I should really push this image of him I have out of my mind and look into the future because he's no different it seems. I just haven't found any guy that interests me and I feel like I'm setting myself up for failure going on as I am. Being single and confused is one thing. Bringing someone along for my Titanic sinking is another. I keep thinking about the times we laughed and really that's it because there were so many bad times that I kind of get them confused. He was funny. Even in Junior High when I knew I hated him I thought he was funny. None of the guys I've seen since him have been funny. More like the opposite. He was athletic which I guess I took for granted at the time. That kind of stuff helps in other areas. Yes he smoked and drank a lot but I am now coming to appreciate what A LOT means. So those were the good things that I have yet to find again. I have yet to find the bad things too but that doesn't seem like a silver lining when I'm sitting at home alone writing this post. There were a lot of bad things and it looks like the new girlfriend got to re-experience them and they had a similar ending. He's pretty fucked up and I wasn't happy for a long time in that relationship. So why? I need a brain washing to reset my messed up feelings.

I wasn't ready to get into another relationship and now he's making plans for the future just like the other guys did when I know those plans aren't going to happen. I'm horrible at ending things. I was in my last relationship about a year longer than it ever should have lasted because I was too afraid to go through that awkward moment where you come out like the bad guy. It's not easy and I have once again picked someone that I'm sure will take it much harder than it need be. Maybe he can just run back to his ex girlfriend and everything will be ok. In any case I'm sure alcohol and cigarettes will take an increased level in his system if that is even possible.

So I have this plan to text the person I shouldn't on his birthday next week. I'm not sure what I'm hoping to get out of it. He'll probably tell me to fuck off or not respond at all. So is it worth even texting him? I don't know. I could lie and say I wish we could be friends but do I really? It's been a year. That's like the time to get over someone right? Like wanting to be friends might be believable. I'm sure if I was in counseling the counselor would say, "No, don't do this. You are repeating past mistakes trying to get different results." Insanity I think is what they call it. I'm sure he'll see right through it and probably hates me. Maybe he's still hung up on the other girl and won't even think twice about a crazy ex girlfriend texting him. I'm back in that mode it seems. Crazy Selina texting people who obvi don't want to talk to her and let it be known. Here is to growing up and it not being any different.

October

And it's bad news 

I don't blame you 

I do the same thing 

I get lonely too

-Rilo Kiley

So I'm sitting at this crisis line. I have one more paper to write and I could think of a million things I'd rather do. Most involve alcohol. I think I have daddy issues. It's funny how many different guys are out there but they are really similar when it comes down to it. I think the fall is my time for boys. Last year around this time the fall was definitely my peak in boy land. Granted this year it's quite different but the end result is the same. I'm just severely emotionally detached with these boys it seems. I like where I'm at but having a boyfriend was nice and I just can't seem to get myself to that level again. So I have these things I really dislike and most people do but I seem to gravitate towards these people. I don't understand it myself. I told a "friend" once that it was because I'm attracted to doomed relationships. Once it was a coincidence but twice I'm starting to think something is wrong with me. My history with drugs is significant and was ultimately the doom to my last relationship and relationship with my father at a young age so you would think this is a thing I should avoid....It's not my fault the whole world does drugs it seems. Maybe I could benefit from counseling. I think that past childhood event is what made me a pessimist. Also really judgmental about pot. I don't know if it brings back that eight year old trauma or if I ...don't even know. This is where the counseling would help. It really bothers me though and the last two guys didn't have these issues so I should be able to get back on track. Don't try and change someone. It never works and makes them resent you. Or at least that's my history with it. It's not fair to try and change someone any way. Even if what they are doing is wrong in my eyes. Who am I to judge. If someone told me to stop wasting my time and money on tv I would think they need to pack up their shit and leave my house. We all have are vices and I should not associate myself with someone who I disagree with because it won't end well. So I'm in this limbo right now. My past experiences tell me that this will end in a horrible way but nothing presently points me towards that direction. It could be ok. We're adults. Sort of. I don't want to hurt anyone and I've made myself dead inside so I'm not sure I can be hurt by a boy right now. Give me time and maybe. Right now I could move to Russia and not look back but that's now. Halloween weekend is soon. Should be fun and a great distractor for this misery that is school. I really need to finish. Damn me for not graduating last year and choosing this dumb profession that requires physiology and anatomy. I could be done already! Ugh. Well that's my boring unaccomplished life right now. I still say 2011 was the best year of my life. 2012 can suck it. 

New Blog

I have started yet another blog and guess what it's about....TV duh! I doubt anyone will read it but it gives me something to do.

TV Show Hobo!

My first .gif! yay

Nobody

"I know that I might be to blame

 for the pain you've been in

and the strange rules of this game

but I'll try not to be a martyr

but I feel that sometime soon, 

something big is gonna change..." 

-Jukebox The Ghost

I had a really morbid thought the other day. I don't know if I ever really loved the guy I dated for more than 2 years. Maybe I did at the time. It was definitely an unhealthy love if it even was love. Our relationship was never something I wanted for myself and he was never the person I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. He mentioned marriage and being together "forever" and it really freaked me out because I knew whatever I said next was going to be a lie. That probably makes me a horrible person for just sticking with it for no apparent reason then me being selfish. I was wasting his time and him mine, but again hind sight is 20/20. He tells his new girlfriend he loves her. I was a little shocked at this but we have been broken up over a year. I think I was just shocked because after getting out of that relationship I really thought about what exactly love is. It really shouldn't be used so lightly and definitely shouldn't be used when you just got in a huge fight with the girl and almost broke her car door. Like my friend Haden said, people who are single have so much great knowledge about relationships until they are in one again. I'm not sure why I haven't been in another relationship since this one. I partly blame me being picky and me believing I'm destined to die alone. Either of these are valid arguments. Maybe he really does love her...I do hope he's happy. My malicious personality aside. Sometimes I wish we could be friends but we were never really friends before or during our relationship so it makes perfect sense to not be friends after it's all said and done. I feel like I write about this one stupid relationship I've had a lot but I have nothing else interesting to talk about so sorry for the rant about my break up of over a year. He's obviously moved on and so should I. Two years is a blink of the eye to some people and I should focus on new fun single girl in the dating world experiences. I have yet to have any but I'm sure they are coming.

As for the single girl in the creepy guy world there are stories. I went over to a guy's house the other night for what I thought would be fun times of video games or scrabble. No. We talked about STDs and watched People's Court on his bed. I will not be returning. 

Went to Logan's (local bar) and touched all over guys I would rather didn't know I existed. I get too touchy. Call it suppressed sexual tension or what not. The myth is true though. Alcohol makes everyone about 50% more attractive. So does single desperation. Sadly that doesn't get washed away the next morning. 

Guy asked me to come hang out at his place and "study." A lame attempt at trying to get laid is my guess. Is it weird that I expect guys to come to me not me to them? It's the gentlemanly thing to do or so my lazy self thought. I must have gotten lucky before.

I heard a myth that if a guy stays out later with you than he normally would then he must really like you. I guess I'm the exception? What the hell happened to the guys that would hang out with me after dark? Slept with one, he left. Didn't sleep with one, he left. I'm obviously doing something wrong. 

Started talking to a guy I used to like in high school. I used to like nice guys. What happened? Oh yeah they didn't like me back. Life story. I actually found myself attracted to someone just like my ex last week. LIke strangely similar yet even worse for me if you can believe it. I said I never would go back to that, and my dumb self is trying to repeat the patterns. Don't worry though, I think he has a girlfriend. And of course he would. 

Ok I need to finish this and actually work on my paper due tomorrow! 

Girls Who Like Boys Who Like Boys

"I don't go to gay clubs or gay bars cause I don't know. I have a feeling someone could roofie my drink there." -Sahil

This show sums up my life. Being single and in my 40s...lets hope it doesn't get to that point though. I would die. It really explains what I've tried to explain when people ask me why I have so many gay guy friends. Because they are awesome and it's a different relationship from what you can have with a straight guy or girl. "Guys who will never leave you." That's kind of a desperate quote but it's so true. I like having friendships with guys but when they are straight they tend to leave. I'm not sure if it's me that's doing something wrong. They would probably say yes. Either way they are gone and that's something my gay boys have never done.

I have said that if I randomly got knocked up and was going to put my baby up for adoption I would want to give it to a gay male couple. Because of my love for them and fantasies I have seen on TV. This new show The New Normal has brought up a new question for me though. Surrogacy. I would never want to have my first baby be a surrogacy pregnancy but it made me think would I do it after that? Unlike in the show where Nathan is asking Crystal to be his baby oven I would want my gay friend to be in a committed relationship so the baby would have two parents. I think I would do it though. Like in Thew New Normal they seem to be really in love and would be great parents for the child. It would be a huge deal though. Crystal in the show is 40 and she brings up some valid concerns. With her age the pregnancy is at risk and her body would never be the same. When it's your baby you make exceptions because it's your child and all. The egg donation would be freaky too. That child is yours too basically. That would be hard to just give away. All these things are really difficult to think about so it would have to take a lot of thought and consideration for your love of your friend or friends and what the future of that child would be. I don't think Crystal should have Nathan's baby though. He showed up hung over and late to the meeting where he was even going to ask her. It's like he wants it as a whim thing and needs to put a lot more thought into it. Also being a single parent isn't ideal. Looking forward to seeing what happens.

Teenage Throw Back

Remember that one time in Junior High when they called us into the office to ask if our teacher had ever touched any of the female students inappropriately? I'm currently watching Enlightened and they had a similar situation happen. Everyone called into the office and questioned about what "happened." I was fourteen. How awkward of an age is that? It was like I was living in an episode of 7th Heaven. Well of course our teacher wasn't molesting any one but he was a bit creepy and let girls sit on his desk. I wonder what happened to get him brought to the attention of the vice principle. We'll never know. Actually, Altus is a pretty small town so I'm sure if I asked the right people I could find out. Nothing will ever top that female coach having a relationship with her teenage daughter's bff story I heard from Chelsea but Altus did have an undercover cop run a drug bust at our high school so I'll always have that golden memory to hold on to. I'm so glad those days are over.

So this is College...

"What is it like to see blue?" - Prof Judisch

These are some random thoughts I wrote down in class today: 

Hipsters take Philosophy

-I saw four, FOUR, people with hipster glasses in class today. Pretty much my hipster wet dream. One was super cute. The others were true hipsters. 

She contorts her body to write any minute word on her paper

-This girl seemed like a normal person, but wait, there's more. Anytime she would write something on her syllabus she would lay her head down on the table and take about 3 min to write down the word Tuesday. Who is this girl? Do you need glasses? The last word I saw her write was "Does not take attendance." This did not surprise me. 

Teacher has curly hair, but I think he is likable despite this. 

Teacher started out funny but now has moved into borderline sexual predator territory. 

-There were several of his repeat students in the class. All female. Need I say more? 

Graduating early. "They just want your money." 

We went to Mars. I say we like I did it. NASA went to Mars. "Well we did pay for it." 

-These two quotes, sir, are all I need to hear to know I'm sitting in front of a douche bag.

He remembered me from two other classes we had together. I did not.

-He's obviously in love me with. That was months ago. He must have been starring at me every day in class. 

-False. He has decent memory. I do not. 

My Psychology of Prejudice teacher is Middle Eastern. I expected a white person. Is this irony at its best? 

-After further observation I realize he is Latino. I can't even tell my own race.