Girls Who Like Boys Who Like Boys

"I don't go to gay clubs or gay bars cause I don't know. I have a feeling someone could roofie my drink there." -Sahil

This show sums up my life. Being single and in my 40s...lets hope it doesn't get to that point though. I would die. It really explains what I've tried to explain when people ask me why I have so many gay guy friends. Because they are awesome and it's a different relationship from what you can have with a straight guy or girl. "Guys who will never leave you." That's kind of a desperate quote but it's so true. I like having friendships with guys but when they are straight they tend to leave. I'm not sure if it's me that's doing something wrong. They would probably say yes. Either way they are gone and that's something my gay boys have never done.

I have said that if I randomly got knocked up and was going to put my baby up for adoption I would want to give it to a gay male couple. Because of my love for them and fantasies I have seen on TV. This new show The New Normal has brought up a new question for me though. Surrogacy. I would never want to have my first baby be a surrogacy pregnancy but it made me think would I do it after that? Unlike in the show where Nathan is asking Crystal to be his baby oven I would want my gay friend to be in a committed relationship so the baby would have two parents. I think I would do it though. Like in Thew New Normal they seem to be really in love and would be great parents for the child. It would be a huge deal though. Crystal in the show is 40 and she brings up some valid concerns. With her age the pregnancy is at risk and her body would never be the same. When it's your baby you make exceptions because it's your child and all. The egg donation would be freaky too. That child is yours too basically. That would be hard to just give away. All these things are really difficult to think about so it would have to take a lot of thought and consideration for your love of your friend or friends and what the future of that child would be. I don't think Crystal should have Nathan's baby though. He showed up hung over and late to the meeting where he was even going to ask her. It's like he wants it as a whim thing and needs to put a lot more thought into it. Also being a single parent isn't ideal. Looking forward to seeing what happens.

Teenage Throw Back

Remember that one time in Junior High when they called us into the office to ask if our teacher had ever touched any of the female students inappropriately? I'm currently watching Enlightened and they had a similar situation happen. Everyone called into the office and questioned about what "happened." I was fourteen. How awkward of an age is that? It was like I was living in an episode of 7th Heaven. Well of course our teacher wasn't molesting any one but he was a bit creepy and let girls sit on his desk. I wonder what happened to get him brought to the attention of the vice principle. We'll never know. Actually, Altus is a pretty small town so I'm sure if I asked the right people I could find out. Nothing will ever top that female coach having a relationship with her teenage daughter's bff story I heard from Chelsea but Altus did have an undercover cop run a drug bust at our high school so I'll always have that golden memory to hold on to. I'm so glad those days are over.

So this is College...

"What is it like to see blue?" - Prof Judisch

These are some random thoughts I wrote down in class today: 

Hipsters take Philosophy

-I saw four, FOUR, people with hipster glasses in class today. Pretty much my hipster wet dream. One was super cute. The others were true hipsters. 

She contorts her body to write any minute word on her paper

-This girl seemed like a normal person, but wait, there's more. Anytime she would write something on her syllabus she would lay her head down on the table and take about 3 min to write down the word Tuesday. Who is this girl? Do you need glasses? The last word I saw her write was "Does not take attendance." This did not surprise me. 

Teacher has curly hair, but I think he is likable despite this. 

Teacher started out funny but now has moved into borderline sexual predator territory. 

-There were several of his repeat students in the class. All female. Need I say more? 

Graduating early. "They just want your money." 

We went to Mars. I say we like I did it. NASA went to Mars. "Well we did pay for it." 

-These two quotes, sir, are all I need to hear to know I'm sitting in front of a douche bag.

He remembered me from two other classes we had together. I did not.

-He's obviously in love me with. That was months ago. He must have been starring at me every day in class. 

-False. He has decent memory. I do not. 

My Psychology of Prejudice teacher is Middle Eastern. I expected a white person. Is this irony at its best? 

-After further observation I realize he is Latino. I can't even tell my own race. 

I'm having their baby

"How to be sure that what you say is the truth

When I see flaws in everything that you do?"

-Wolf Gang

How do the girls on this show pay for the hospital bills to have "their" baby? Just a random thought. This show is pretty interesting if you haven't seen it. Mostly young girls that already have 1-2 kids and are already over the whole having a new baby thing. In a recent pregnancy scare (I'm never having sex again) I realized just how much pregnancy is everywhere. Like EVERYWHERE. Or at least that's how it seemed. Turn on the tv, EPT commercial. Watch Shameless and girl gets pregnant. Go to oxygen.com to check out the new Glee Project and video for "I'm having their baby" pops up. Well, I live to bleed another day so no worries on my end but lets just say I was searching through my closet for wire hangers. The show follows these girls who have chosen to do a great thing. Putting up a baby for adoption is the bravest thing most people can do. I think it's probably braver than actually raising the baby yourself. It is your baby you feel like you have to raise it. Like it's the right thing to do but the right thing to do is provide the best life for your baby and in some cases that means giving it to a family who wants it from day 1 and has the means to provide it with what it wants. But back to my original question. Where do they get the money for it? Having babies ain't cheap. Do the adoptive parents pay for all their stuff? I know it's not legal but is it unspoken in every planned adoption? Cause having a baby is like a job and if I were having a baby, this girl don't work for free.

It was my birthday last week and now school is starting. I feel weird. School should be ok. Like it always is I guess. I need something to look forward to. Graduation just isn't that inciting since I will then feel like a bum. 22 living in a college town not going to college. Yeah.....

Dating life...eh I'm not sure I should talk about it. Do people read this? lol. One of my friends isn't talking to me any more. I broke his "trust" or whatever that means. It kind of bums me out because we were pretty good friends but I'm not going to get caught up in some high school bull shit so I must move on. My straight guy friends pretty much all let me down on my birthday get together so I've finally come to the realization that I need to stop kidding myself into thinking this friend thing could work. Either guys just aren't good friends or maybe it's Maybelline.

Sunday

What if the boys I write about actually read my blog. This has happened once and I actually wasn't all that sorry for it. Karma Bitch. But some of the boys wouldn't feel to fondly about what I write about them. In reality they don't deserve the sharp end of my blogger tongue but hey life is tough and you can't ever believe what someone write in their diary/journal. It's full of emotions and not a lot of thought.

Shameless

"Did she finally notice the cold, dead marbles where your eyes should be?" - Weeds

This is a late night ramble. No judging. 

I got an awkward text today. I'm not ready to be in a relationship nor am I ready to be thought of as some friends with benefits girl. As if. I'm not sure if that is what they were implying or if they were implying more. Either way. No. I had to get my phone fixed and in doing this had to reset an old phone with my 2009 phone where I found some old texts from the ex. It was depressing in a way. I think it's like he said. You don't want me, you just want the relationship. That's true. A+B=C Substitute B with whatever letter you want. It should still equal C? Well it's not working with this guy. I need to find another letter. 

School is starting soon and I'm getting that feeling again where I have no control over my life. Thus, I have started eating healthy and "working out." Maybe this will bring me some kind of accomplishment. My birthday is next week. Most anti-climactic birthday ever. It's so weird how quick life changes. I'm sure I'll be in a total different situation next year around this time. Just keep trekking. 

Oh, the Places You'll Never Go

"So you start your own blog

But there’s no cash to be made

On detailing how hard it is

For you to get laid

And deeper and deeper

Into despair you will spiral

As you realize you’re gonna

Be broke for a while

You will come to a place where the streets are not marked

Some windows are lighted

But mostly they’re darked

Yet now you are desperate

Not to move home

And live with your parents, Diane and Jerome

So down the dark alley

To meet with the man

Who sells crystal meth

From an old panel van

“One rock to resell”

Your hear yourself mutter

As you pray dealing drugs

Gets you out of the gutter

Except that it won’t

And you’re screwed if you don’t

You’re in the game now

There’s no way to leave

Besides waging a drug war

On a midsummer’s eve"

-Mass Media

Relationships

Relationships amaze me. All of them. "Did you do this to get back at me?" Let's analyze that statement here. First of all. What kind of person thinks someone is out to get them for something they did? What kind of person does things that people need to "get back at" you for? Look at yourself before you start accusing me of things. I didn't do something to get back at you. Not everything I do is about YOU. Talk about self centered. If you have been living with enough guilt about something that you did to me, that me doing something that causes the least bit of pain to you makes you think I had some diabolical plan to get back at you. Please get over yourself. I'm glad you can finally see that you were shitty to me but that doesn't mean I'm sinking down to your level. I fucked up. I'm sorry. People aren't perfect and I didn't do this to "get back at" you. 

The fact that this exact quote has been said to me twice makes me think...who am I associating with? Real friends shouldn't give me a reason to get back at them. I recently listened to a podcast called FRENEMIES. And it addressed being friends with people that cause you stress. I don't need to be friends with these kind of people. Life is short. I need to focus on what is important and makes me happy. 

MTV True Life: I watch MTV

Some of my Favorite Quotes from my new BFF TV:


"You never returned any of my calls..."
 "My phone was sick" 
      - Childrens Hospital


"What is this?" 
"Someone left an orphan here" 
"Get rid of it!"
     - Childrens Hospital


"He'll find someone else. Someone who appreciates his kind of smothering love" 
     - Girls


Everyone has officially left.  I traveled for a bit but now I'm back in Norman till school starts pretty much. I'm not sure what I'll do on my days off. I have already seen every tv show I can think of. There is 24 and Twin Peaks. I guess I could dedicate a few days to those.

So lets plan something interesting for my 3 days off.....

1. Clean out all my clothes I don't wear
2. Cook something fun
3. Sell stuff on Amazon
4. Buy something........
5. FIX PHONE! I really need to do this
6. Make my nephew's 2nd book
7. Prepare my body for Thursday's episode of Awkward.

Blame the Broken Social Scene

"This face is an awesome face." -Workaholics

For the 4th of July this year I went with my family to Sea World! I had never been and it was awesome. I will never understand how smart those animals are. Amazing. 

On the 4th we went to all the shows and then on the 5th we went back to the water park section. So cute to see Jaiden get excited about the water. Also got super tan that day. Hello Mexican Selina. Where have you been you vampire? 

(Sorry this is out of order) On the 3rd we went to Fredericksburg to climb the Enchanted Rock. I thought I was going to throw up. I'm a failure for my generation. 

The night of the 4th we went to downtown San Antonio to see the firework show. It was a lot of fun. Good food. Lots of Mexicans. It's been a while since I was this submerged in my culture. 

I got my nose pierced!!!! Again. No surgeries to set me back this time. Getting my hoop later today. Hopefully it looks cute and not working girl on the street corner on a Wednesday night like. Crossing fingers. 

I also got some new nerd glasses. I think they're pretty cute. Have to bump up hipster status if I am to pull them off. Need new wardrobe and to be vegan. One step at a time. 

Today is Ashley's going away party :((( Ashley has been a huge part of my life while I've been at OU and I'm going to miss her more than words can explain. Ugh life is really moving on. I need my dog right now :(

Debbie Day A.K.A. Wednesday

"I don't want to wake up in the morning
But I've got to face the day
That's what all the friends I do not like as much as you say

I don't want to do things independently
But I can't make you stay
That's what all the friends I do not like as much as you say

But if you wanna come back it's alright, it's alright
It's alright if you wanna come back
Do you wanna come back? It's alright, it's alright
It's alright if you wanna come back to me

I don't want to see you with another guy
But the fact is that I may
That's what all the friends I do not like as much as you say

Give it just another couple months or so
Then you'll be ok
That's what all the friends I do not like as much as you say

Alone, all alone
I am on my own
Alone, all alone
I am on my own

But if you wanna come back it's alright, it's alright
It's alright if you wanna come back
Do you wanna come back? It's alright, it's alright
It's alright if you wanna come back to me

If you wanna come back it's alright, it's alright
It's alright if you wanna come back
Do you wanna come back? It's alright, it's alright
It's alright if you wanna come back to me
Do you wanna come back? It's alright, it's alright
It's alright if you wanna come back to me
Do you wanna come back? It's alright, it's alright
It's alright if you wanna come back to me...."


--The Vaccines


I've been feeling so weird lately. I was feeling pretty awesome about life until some Friday ago. Had a nice lunch with my friend and then I got some really disturbing news. I've done it so I've been told. My friend's joked about me being attracted to basically guys that were the same make and model of my ex but I never really thought much about it. When the roles get reversed though I flipped. I did the same thing but I wonder if it ever effected them like it is effecting me. A relationship not working out is one thing but then for them to go and date someone who looks apparently like your "doppelgänger" is really fucked up. Didn't want to date me but someone who looks just like me is ok. So it wasn't how I looked just me. Awwwwwwesome. Well obviously I'm taking this too seriously and being a weirdo but I'm me and I'm a weirdo. So why do I mention this? Well, I'd like to mark that Friday as the beginning of my downfall. Since then life's been...blah. Did things I said I wouldn't and alcohol content has reached max levels. I dyed my hair back to black and got my nose pierced. Might get a tattoo. Probably shouldn't though. I never wanted one really. I think I'm acting out. I shouldn't let some guy who I had pegged as a loser effect me so much. I didn't want him till he was gone. In fact both of them were total losers and look what I've let them do to me. I've never had my heart broken by someone worth while. I'll probably go crazy when that happens. Asylum time. If I could go back in time I would tell Freshman Selina to stay away from boys. Life is really better without them. Don't know what you're missing till it's gone right? Based on my current scenario I don't know what I'm going to do. I just really pictured things going differently and my current life and relationship with my friends has never really included boys. I keep those lives separately I guess. I try not to let my friends see how crazy I can really get. The boys know...boy do they know. Not my poor innocent friends though. I try to save them from it. I really have to get over this boy. I shouldn't have ever let him fuck me up this way. I obvi have rejection issues. You'd think I'd be hung over the boy I spent 3 years of my life with but it was easy to get over that. Probably because of the relationship we had. I like having power in my relationships but I'm not sure that is what will ultimately make me happy. Having too much power is boring. There's no guessing. I always thought people who liked the chase were assholes but here I am. I'm really confused :( Well..I'm rambling. I don't think I'm ready for this again. Back into my bubble with my gays where nothing can harm me please. 

Went to SeaWorld for the 4th. I'll post about it next time. Have to go get ready to party now. 

Laters baby xoxo