Monday, December 24, 2012

Almost Christmas

"I just want to spend the night making it with some fatty in an elf suite"

So I have to open this post with something positive to make people think I'm not crazy. I tackled a couple of feats this year by making tamales and rice which I never thought I would be able to do. My mother's cooking will live on. Renewed my lease till 2014. Norman, guess I won't be going anywhere anytime soon. Going to Hawaii in 2 months so let's start counting down the It's almost 4am and I am up writing a post after not writing in so long because I knew I was just going to bitch about the mess I have put myself into and continue to put myself into. Maybe going to a lake house to make someone happy isn't the worst thing in the world. Just like going to someone's grandmother's house and acting like everything is fine makes someone happy when you are dying inside counting down the days till you wreck this person's world. I should now know that being honest is the best policy. Holding something back when you knew the whole time makes it sting a little more. Even if I thought it was because I was being "nice."

I question my sanity at times. I look back on my string of men and there are things I really need to ask myself. Perhaps I should get counseling but counseling for relationship issues when I am not in a relationship per say is a bit presumptuous. So I do this bad thing where I snoop through people's things. Dr. Laura would say it's a sign of low self esteem or lack of trust in a relationship. Check. Check. Well of course I usually find stuff. If it's a person worth snooping I almost always find stuff. Now I'm not saying I snoop through my friends' things or anything. Just boys. So that brings me to tonight. I hear my ex boyfriend is single now. Lawdy friggin dah I should say...But I don't think that. I should. Why don't I? Perhaps it's because I have yet to find myself in another relationship where I feel how I felt with him. I keep thinking I'm over it. At first I thought I just wanted the relationship and that's what I was missing. Well I guess I have that now. Granted it's not perfect in the slightest but it's someone to talk to and watch tv with while they snore next to me. But I'm not happy and I feel like I did after being in a two year emotionally abusive relationship. This guy hasn't done anything to me but here I am, rock bottom and looking for a way out. I'm such a different person from when I was with him. I wonder if he's changed.

Which brings me to tonight. Why did they break up? After watching Sherlock Holmes till 2am, I did some investigating of my own. I know I'm about to sound like the ultimate pathetic ex girlfriend creep here, but I'm hoping no one reads this and I can just have some external venting here. So I found out why they broke up based on my investigative skills and I have come to the conclusion that it was his insane jealousy due to severe insecurities he is harboring. So I guess he hasn't changed in that aspect. Also he's still smoking weed and rather proud of it like a loser. So I should really push this image of him I have out of my mind and look into the future because he's no different it seems. I just haven't found any guy that interests me and I feel like I'm setting myself up for failure going on as I am. Being single and confused is one thing. Bringing someone along for my Titanic sinking is another. I keep thinking about the times we laughed and really that's it because there were so many bad times that I kind of get them confused. He was funny. Even in Junior High when I knew I hated him I thought he was funny. None of the guys I've seen since him have been funny. More like the opposite. He was athletic which I guess I took for granted at the time. That kind of stuff helps in other areas. Yes he smoked and drank a lot but I am now coming to appreciate what A LOT means. So those were the good things that I have yet to find again. I have yet to find the bad things too but that doesn't seem like a silver lining when I'm sitting at home alone writing this post. There were a lot of bad things and it looks like the new girlfriend got to re-experience them and they had a similar ending. He's pretty fucked up and I wasn't happy for a long time in that relationship. So why? I need a brain washing to reset my messed up feelings.

I wasn't ready to get into another relationship and now he's making plans for the future just like the other guys did when I know those plans aren't going to happen. I'm horrible at ending things. I was in my last relationship about a year longer than it ever should have lasted because I was too afraid to go through that awkward moment where you come out like the bad guy. It's not easy and I have once again picked someone that I'm sure will take it much harder than it need be. Maybe he can just run back to his ex girlfriend and everything will be ok. In any case I'm sure alcohol and cigarettes will take an increased level in his system if that is even possible.

So I have this plan to text the person I shouldn't on his birthday next week. I'm not sure what I'm hoping to get out of it. He'll probably tell me to fuck off or not respond at all. So is it worth even texting him? I don't know. I could lie and say I wish we could be friends but do I really? It's been a year. That's like the time to get over someone right? Like wanting to be friends might be believable. I'm sure if I was in counseling the counselor would say, "No, don't do this. You are repeating past mistakes trying to get different results." Insanity I think is what they call it. I'm sure he'll see right through it and probably hates me. Maybe he's still hung up on the other girl and won't even think twice about a crazy ex girlfriend texting him. I'm back in that mode it seems. Crazy Selina texting people who obvi don't want to talk to her and let it be known. Here is to growing up and it not being any different.