So I have been feeling super lonely lately. So lonely in fact I was going through my phone literally thinking about texting people I never hang out with just to ask if they wanted to watch a movie with me. Ugh what a loser. It was bad. I even thought maybe I should get back together with the ex. BUT...I found this letter I wrote to him and it made me realize I am so much happier than I used to be. Thank goodness for facebook. (Keep in mind this was before the cheating incident...so yeah there were many things that contributed to the break up)
i wanted to let you know that i haven't been honest with you the last couple of days. when you said you wanted us to get back together i said we should start with being friends again but i haven't felt that from you. last week upset me so much because i put so much trust into this relationship and you give me none in return. i always thought you would begin to trust me the longer we were together but i don't think you have. i never felt wrong about trusting you but recently i feel you have lost that trust. i never thought you would lie to me about who you hung out with or what you guys did but last week you let me know that you have no restraints on lying to my face. you said you did it because you knew i would over react but the fact that you still did it means you were more concerned about yourself than me. if you didn't tell me about hanging out with some girl in altus then why should i believe you don't hang out with other girls in norman? i trusted you asshole and you threw that in my face. it's not me over reacting about my boyfriend lying to me about being with a girl. you do so many things on your own. we don't hang out and you have all these friends that i have never even seen. i feel like there is a reason you don't invite me with you. like you don't want them to know i exist. it's not normal that i shouldn't know who half your friends are. i want you to want me to meet your friends and become friends with them. keeping them from me makes me feel like there is a reason i don't see them. there is so much resentment i hold towards you and you telling me to just live with you lying to me or live with you being so distant from me makes me feel like i'm having to just endure all this crap. i feel so much stress from being with you because i want you to be this awesome boyfriend to me and i have these expectations that aren't fair to you. in a perfect world i would want you to be honest with me, invite me to hang out with your friends and treat me like i'm a friend, be polite to me and make me feel like you are happy to be with me. i don't think that's a lot to ask from you. you don't give that to me and it makes me sad because i do love you asshole but from your actions you show me that i don't care to you as much as i should. you say you love me but if you did would you lie to me? spend 99% of your time with your friends and fit me in for the last hours of your night? i sometimes feel like your booty call. I want to go on dates with your or do dumb things like go to walmart. just spend time with you but you don't let me. i can't keep living like this. i put up with it because i do love you asshole but do you want me to keep putting up with you? you could be such a good boyfriend if you wanted to. but you don't want to with me. i don't want to break up asshole but we aren't in a relationship together. i don't know what i am to you but i know you don't treat me like your girlfriend. i bought you tickets, a drink, drove you to the theater and you didn't show one bit of gratitude. you threw on whatever you had in your car. dressing up to go out with me shows me you at least car but you can't even do that.you were rude to me at the theater and then called me something rude then you just said i'm sorry that hurt your feelings. i don't think you realize how you treat me. i'm not happy asshole. i haven't been for a while and you have done nothing to make it better. i'm sending you this because you deserve to know how i feel. i'm at the point where after breaking up with me twice you made me realize i don't need to be with you. my friends that you always talk crap about where the only ones there to help me pick up the pieces when you broke up with me. they were the ones who sat up with me at 5am because i couldn't sleep without you. they were the ones who hung out with me every minute when i was awake because without them i would just cry thinking about you. you did that to me. that's how much i love you asshole so realize what i'm saying isn't because i don't love you. i'm saying this because i'm thinking about myself now. before i could have never broken up with you. i couldn't picture my life without you but you made me realize that i can be happy by myself. you chose twice that life without me was better for you. i would rather be happy with you but i can now choose for myself what i want and you are the reason i feel this way. both times when you broke up with me i had to reset my life to be without you. the first time i thought it was the end of the world but then you came back. i thought everything was good but i felt like it was all just a lie because you didn't tell me how you felt and you weren't happy that entire time so you broke up with me again and told me you didn't love me. it seemed so easy for you to just cut me out of your life. i'm glad you did it though because it made me stronger and realize i don't need you asshole. but i'm not saying i don't want you in my life. i want you to be a great boyfriend to me and love me as much as i love you. i want you to show me that but you haven't yet. i'm telling you all this because if we break up again i don't want it to catch you off guard like it did me. this can be fixed and i'm giving you the opportunity to fix it but if you can't then stop putting me through this. stop making me wait for you to fall madly in love with me. stop making me have to stand up for you when people at work or my friends say you treat me like crap. i want you to try and make this up to me like you promised you would.
Oh god I do not want to be that girl again. If it means I'll have some lonely nights watching Dawson's creek for 12 hours I think that's better than letting some guy treat me like shit.
"She's in to me. Which, as far as I'm concerned, is the sexiest quality a woman can have." - Parks and Rec
Happy Early Birthday to meeee! Best gift I could ever get.
Enjoying the newly single life. ha
About to go out for my 21st bday :)
Fun at work
I still have time at work to take pics....
Halloween costume shopping <3
1st time at the Oklahoma State Fair
I <3 Barcelona!!!
Getting so big
DIY project :)
On my way home
My 1st love
I want a disco ball
Growing the hair out didn't last long
Windmills of Weatherford
On the way to Colorado
Aint no party like a gay party
Good Hair Day
How cute is he!
I'm not conceited really...
Tornado Chaser in the Best Buy parking lot
This year's thanksgiving was great. Food was soooo good and the Cowboys won. The entire family gathered at our house again and I felt like things went pretty smoothly. Strangely I felt a little lonely this year once I was driving home. Last year I took food back for him and the year before that we went to his grandparent's house for a bit and it just kind of made me realize I'll be going home to my empty house to watch tv alone. The loneliness had been masked for a little bit but it comes in waves. Uuuuuugh. I don't miss him. Not really. But I miss having someone. Which doesn't make for a good recipe when finding someone else. Everyone says to enjoy being single but I was single for 18 years before and it wasn't all it was cracked up to be. Did the party thing for a while but 3 months has worn me down and I'm ready to return to my home body self...if only it didn't make me feel so dang depressed. Maybe I should get another dog. Crazy dog lady? Yeah I could see that....
"I want to remake the movie calledShazamwith Shaquille O'Neal where he plays a genie, and get it right." - Parks and Rec
So we headed to Colorado this weekend. Left Norman at 7am after some unforseen delays (amy)
Stopped in some random town in TX for gas. A woman walked in on Amy in the restroom.
Stopped at the Big Texan Steak Place and ate some lunch. Miki fell in love with a guy named Jared but sadly their love was short lived.
My steak. Tasted pretty good :)
Us sitting in the big chair!
Me in the big chair. Aww
Leaving Texas. The sky was so blue.
I took a lot of pictures on the way up lol. Probably be asleep all the way back though.
Once we got to New Mexico it was snowing!
A mountain in New Mexico. So pretty.
Made it to Colorado and hotel partied it up with Chris. So crazy I hadn't seen him since High School Graduation! Ordered some pizza and apparently ate "too many" limes for Amy's liking along with my beer.
The morning after we headed to the Air Force Academy to watch Air Force vs. Wyoming. Weather was great when we stepped outside of our hotel. Who would have known it was going to turn into a tornado.
Pretty morning mountains :)
Before the game started Wyoming and Air Force run out at the same time.
They have this thing called spirit cheese. When Air Force does something good like score a touch down or make a good play, the spirit cheese flies up in the sky and does something spirity. Amy however did not understand this theory and threw the spirit cheese into a crowd of girls.
Saturday night (tonight) we went to BJ's for dinner and then went to downtown Colorado Springs to enjoy the night life. This is me and Miki on top of my favorite bar of the night, Gasoline Alley.
We head out tomorrow morning bright and early :( dang Best Buy making me go to some meeting. I get to drive last though so I'll get plenty of sleep in.
I have been going to the boom a lot recently. It's a ton of fun.
Getting better aquatinted with my Best Buy Friends. They are awesome.
Took a weekend off after some boy drama and saw the family and Meeka :)
With the hair long I was able to put it up a lot.
OU cousin's pumpkin carving.
My Boo Pumpkin
Preparing for the Halloween Party at Taj Mahal
This year's costume: EWOK
Lilly after getting fixed. Spent a pretty penny on that girl...
Amy turns 21 :) Finally!
Merit Badge University, taught a photography class to tons of boy scouts. Had a lot of fun
Watching the merit badge chemistry class in action
Night of the Party!
The hair was getting really long
Me and Lilly bonding time
Went to Second Wind for the first time. I recommend it
Made 2 dozen cupcakes for my little. She ate 4 and Michael pretty much ate the rest
Miki goes to the boom for the first time! Also I cut my hair.
Getting used to the short hair again
So....Life has been hectic lately. I always try to be a good person and that sometimes gets me into trouble. Being nice to someone when they don't deserve it puts you in a bind. I learned that the hard way I guess. It's over now though so I'm hoping I can get on with my life and enjoy my time with friends and family. The holidays are coming up and I'm so ready to see everyone and give and get christmas gifts. It's going to be a great winter :)