Thursday, September 20, 2012


"I know that I might be to blame
 for the pain you've been in
and the strange rules of this game
but I'll try not to be a martyr

but I feel that sometime soon, 
something big is gonna change..." 
-Jukebox The Ghost

I had a really morbid thought the other day. I don't know if I ever really loved the guy I dated for more than 2 years. Maybe I did at the time. It was definitely an unhealthy love if it even was love. Our relationship was never something I wanted for myself and he was never the person I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. He mentioned marriage and being together "forever" and it really freaked me out because I knew whatever I said next was going to be a lie. That probably makes me a horrible person for just sticking with it for no apparent reason then me being selfish. I was wasting his time and him mine, but again hind sight is 20/20. He tells his new girlfriend he loves her. I was a little shocked at this but we have been broken up over a year. I think I was just shocked because after getting out of that relationship I really thought about what exactly love is. It really shouldn't be used so lightly and definitely shouldn't be used when you just got in a huge fight with the girl and almost broke her car door. Like my friend Haden said, people who are single have so much great knowledge about relationships until they are in one again. I'm not sure why I haven't been in another relationship since this one. I partly blame me being picky and me believing I'm destined to die alone. Either of these are valid arguments. Maybe he really does love her...I do hope he's happy. My malicious personality aside. Sometimes I wish we could be friends but we were never really friends before or during our relationship so it makes perfect sense to not be friends after it's all said and done. I feel like I write about this one stupid relationship I've had a lot but I have nothing else interesting to talk about so sorry for the rant about my break up of over a year. He's obviously moved on and so should I. Two years is a blink of the eye to some people and I should focus on new fun single girl in the dating world experiences. I have yet to have any but I'm sure they are coming.

As for the single girl in the creepy guy world there are stories. I went over to a guy's house the other night for what I thought would be fun times of video games or scrabble. No. We talked about STDs and watched People's Court on his bed. I will not be returning. 

Went to Logan's (local bar) and touched all over guys I would rather didn't know I existed. I get too touchy. Call it suppressed sexual tension or what not. The myth is true though. Alcohol makes everyone about 50% more attractive. So does single desperation. Sadly that doesn't get washed away the next morning. 

Guy asked me to come hang out at his place and "study." A lame attempt at trying to get laid is my guess. Is it weird that I expect guys to come to me not me to them? It's the gentlemanly thing to do or so my lazy self thought. I must have gotten lucky before.

I heard a myth that if a guy stays out later with you than he normally would then he must really like you. I guess I'm the exception? What the hell happened to the guys that would hang out with me after dark? Slept with one, he left. Didn't sleep with one, he left. I'm obviously doing something wrong. 

Started talking to a guy I used to like in high school. I used to like nice guys. What happened? Oh yeah they didn't like me back. Life story. I actually found myself attracted to someone just like my ex last week. LIke strangely similar yet even worse for me if you can believe it. I said I never would go back to that, and my dumb self is trying to repeat the patterns. Don't worry though, I think he has a girlfriend. And of course he would. 

Ok I need to finish this and actually work on my paper due tomorrow! 

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