October

And it's bad news 

I don't blame you 

I do the same thing 

I get lonely too

-Rilo Kiley

So I'm sitting at this crisis line. I have one more paper to write and I could think of a million things I'd rather do. Most involve alcohol. I think I have daddy issues. It's funny how many different guys are out there but they are really similar when it comes down to it. I think the fall is my time for boys. Last year around this time the fall was definitely my peak in boy land. Granted this year it's quite different but the end result is the same. I'm just severely emotionally detached with these boys it seems. I like where I'm at but having a boyfriend was nice and I just can't seem to get myself to that level again. So I have these things I really dislike and most people do but I seem to gravitate towards these people. I don't understand it myself. I told a "friend" once that it was because I'm attracted to doomed relationships. Once it was a coincidence but twice I'm starting to think something is wrong with me. My history with drugs is significant and was ultimately the doom to my last relationship and relationship with my father at a young age so you would think this is a thing I should avoid....It's not my fault the whole world does drugs it seems. Maybe I could benefit from counseling. I think that past childhood event is what made me a pessimist. Also really judgmental about pot. I don't know if it brings back that eight year old trauma or if I ...don't even know. This is where the counseling would help. It really bothers me though and the last two guys didn't have these issues so I should be able to get back on track. Don't try and change someone. It never works and makes them resent you. Or at least that's my history with it. It's not fair to try and change someone any way. Even if what they are doing is wrong in my eyes. Who am I to judge. If someone told me to stop wasting my time and money on tv I would think they need to pack up their shit and leave my house. We all have are vices and I should not associate myself with someone who I disagree with because it won't end well. So I'm in this limbo right now. My past experiences tell me that this will end in a horrible way but nothing presently points me towards that direction. It could be ok. We're adults. Sort of. I don't want to hurt anyone and I've made myself dead inside so I'm not sure I can be hurt by a boy right now. Give me time and maybe. Right now I could move to Russia and not look back but that's now. Halloween weekend is soon. Should be fun and a great distractor for this misery that is school. I really need to finish. Damn me for not graduating last year and choosing this dumb profession that requires physiology and anatomy. I could be done already! Ugh. Well that's my boring unaccomplished life right now. I still say 2011 was the best year of my life. 2012 can suck it.