Thursday, September 1, 2011

Lights will guide you home, and ignite your bones.

Things have been changing rapidly but I find that I am really learning a lot about myself. I'm breaking out of my shell and no longer hiding behind what is comfortable to me. On those words I made a mistake. Not a bad mistake per say but I shouldn't have done it. And I'm being vague here because I haven't told anyone and don't know how to. I just got out of a relationship and it's been a struggle to get over him. I loved him a lot but since the breakup things have changed. I still love him but I want more. I think he could give me more if he wanted to. I'm not sure if he is there yet and that is where my mistake comes in. He's not ready. You don't magically change in one month. And if he has he hasn't showed me. I want him to be the guy I want but there is just so much doubt in my mind. I'm confused. I want to be happy. That is what this whole thing was about. If this makes me happy I guess I should just go down this road but it could also spiral me back. I've made so much progress. Have I forgiven him? I don't know....I'm just really confused. I would like to incorporate him into my new life but it was always his life that bothered me. There is just so much history it's hard for me to just erase that as if we are starting off fresh. I need fresh. I don't know why I did it. I miss him yeah. But I don't miss the crap that he brings along. When he's with me it's ok. It's when he's away from me that bothers me and I shouldn't worry myself like that. I should trust him. I used to. I ruined the path I was on. I just hope I can recover.

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