Sunday, November 27, 2011

Reality Check

So I have been feeling super lonely lately. So lonely in fact I was going through my phone literally thinking about texting people I never hang out with just to ask if they wanted to watch a movie with me. Ugh what a loser. It was bad. I even thought maybe I should get back together with the ex. BUT...I found this letter I wrote to him and it made me realize I am so much happier than I used to be. Thank goodness for facebook. (Keep in mind this was before the cheating yeah there were many things that contributed to the break up) 

To Asshole:

i wanted to let you know that i haven't been honest with you the last couple of days. when you said you wanted us to get back together i said we should start with being friends again but i haven't felt that from you. last week upset me so much because i put so much trust into this relationship and you give me none in return. i always thought you would begin to trust me the longer we were together but i don't think you have. i never felt wrong about trusting you but recently i feel you have lost that trust. i never thought you would lie to me about who you hung out with or what you guys did but last week you let me know that you have no restraints on lying to my face. you said you did it because you knew i would over react but the fact that you still did it means you were more concerned about yourself than me. if you didn't tell me about hanging out with some girl in altus then why should i believe you don't hang out with other girls in norman? i trusted you asshole and you threw that in my face. it's not me over reacting about my boyfriend lying to me about being with a girl. you do so many things on your own. we don't hang out and you have all these friends that i have never even seen. i feel like there is a reason you don't invite me with you. like you don't want them to know i exist. it's not normal that i shouldn't know who half your friends are. i want you to want me to meet your friends and become friends with them. keeping them from me makes me feel like there is a reason i don't see them. there is so much resentment i hold towards you and you telling me to just live with you lying to me or live with you being so distant from me makes me feel like i'm having to just endure all this crap. i feel so much stress from being with you because i want you to be this awesome boyfriend to me and i have these expectations that aren't fair to you. in a perfect world i would want you to be honest with me, invite me to hang out with your friends and treat me like i'm a friend, be polite to me and make me feel like you are happy to be with me. i don't think that's a lot to ask from you. you don't give that to me and it makes me sad because i do love you asshole but from your actions you show me that i don't care to you as much as i should. you say you love me but if you did would you lie to me? spend 99% of your time with your friends and fit me in for the last hours of your night? i sometimes feel like your booty call. I want to go on dates with your or do dumb things like go to walmart. just spend time with you but you don't let me. i can't keep living like this. i put up with it because i do love you asshole but do you want me to keep putting up with you? you could be such a good boyfriend if you wanted to. but you don't want to with me. i don't want to break up asshole but we aren't in a relationship together. i don't know what i am to you but i know you don't treat me like your girlfriend. i bought you tickets, a drink, drove you to the theater and you didn't show one bit of gratitude. you threw on whatever you had in your car. dressing up to go out with me shows me you at least car but you can't even do were rude to me at the theater and then called me something rude then you just said i'm sorry that hurt your feelings. i don't think you realize how you treat me. i'm not happy asshole. i haven't been for a while and you have done nothing to make it better. i'm sending you this because you deserve to know how i feel. i'm at the point where after breaking up with me twice you made me realize i don't need to be with you. my friends that you always talk crap about where the only ones there to help me pick up the pieces when you broke up with me. they were the ones who sat up with me at 5am because i couldn't sleep without you. they were the ones who hung out with me every minute when i was awake because without them i would just cry thinking about you. you did that to me. that's how much i love you asshole so realize what i'm saying isn't because i don't love you. i'm saying this because i'm thinking about myself now. before i could have never broken up with you. i couldn't picture my life without you but you made me realize that i can be happy by myself. you chose twice that life without me was better for you. i would rather be happy with you but i can now choose for myself what i want and you are the reason i feel this way. both times when you broke up with me i had to reset my life to be without you. the first time i thought it was the end of the world but then you came back. i thought everything was good but i felt like it was all just a lie because you didn't tell me how you felt and you weren't happy that entire time so you broke up with me again and told me you didn't love me. it seemed so easy for you to just cut me out of your life. i'm glad you did it though because it made me stronger and realize i don't need you asshole. but i'm not saying i don't want you in my life. i want you to be a great boyfriend to me and love me as much as i love you. i want you to show me that but you haven't yet. i'm telling you all this because if we break up again i don't want it to catch you off guard like it did me. this can be fixed and i'm giving you the opportunity to fix it but if you can't then stop putting me through this. stop making me wait for you to fall madly in love with me. stop making me have to stand up for you when people at work or my friends say you treat me like crap. i want you to try and make this up to me like you promised you would.

Oh god I do not want to be that girl again. If it means I'll have some lonely nights watching Dawson's creek for 12 hours I think that's better than letting some guy treat me like shit. 

1 comment:

  1. Agreed, friend. You deserve to be treated the way you want to be, and you have some great friends that are always here for you (myself included). Now I'm on my way to watch Dawson's with you!